Diário de 6 de Janeiro

Insomnia

Bcuz I can't stop thinking about the future.

Insomnia

Bcuz I can't wait one more second till hold you.

Insomnia

Bcuz I keep daydreaming a lot, bcuz you gave me fire butterflies and them won't stop to burn me until I kiss you again.

I wake up everyday and you are missing in this bed that never meet your flesh before (yet).

I take a ride everyday taking-hands with your soul.

I've been feeling so alone those days, anyway, I know you love me, I know you care about me and I know we are fullfiled.

But... Yeah, again...

Insomnia

Because July is so far from now.

Not that far.

At the same time.

At the same time...

Far.

I can picture our little and comfortable apartament, our dirt clothes waiting for the blessed laundry, our books and the small worlds within 'em, all that little lovers in the stories, have fallen in love with us.

I can lick the taste of our snacks and smell something burning in the oven, danmit! We forget again!

B'an... We are so happy! So crazy, so high.

B'an, our little empire is so loudly quiet, all the warm orange tones of the sunlight exist just to celebrate our art that we call love and the nature call emergence! Two burning humans, they gonna explode the planet.

And we will.

Two commets.

Two big vulcains.

Two soflty bites in the heaven.

Loving you, tastes like peace.

I learned something about our love.

For the first time, the questions in my head don't leave me alone in the darkness, crying inside.

No.

Those questions just give me more strenght. Reasons to win, reasons to continue.

We will get to be together forever? Who knows. I laugh and kiss you in my dreams. Let's just live like the leafs and love like the penguins.

As many times as We want? Sure! In that reality and all the others that we are capable to create.

Because I will never let you go, I am drawning you in my heart... (You are there whenever I look at this big red and pulsating muscle) blue, black, white, green, orange, yellow, violet... All the colors.

We are so fucking lucky. Rich. Powerful. This is treasure. This is gold. This is the 7th season of our favorite show.

We put a crown on each others head.

We sleep on each others chest.

One plus one.

This is not a loss. This is reborning everyday.

Here are some defaults:

I am a fucking wino and I don't know how to stop.

I am insecure.

In the most of the days I still look at myself inside the mirror and don't recognize my face or any of my traces, I want to kill that girl and love her at the same time.

I get angry so easy.

I learn and forget.

I promisse and don't do.

I remember and cry.

I am full of missings.

And full of concern.

I am so tired in the most part of time, I feel so weak and too heavy for anyone to love.

I feel that I don't deserve love, don't deserve happiness, family, friends or even you... Because, holy shit, I am a big big jerk.

Because all of my steps in this whole life are sending me to the dept of this hole they call hell but I call human existence... How can I scape?

I feel that I am blowing up everything. Killing myself day by day and beying heavy for someone who loves me again. You don't have to pet me, but I am a animal.

Savage and full of fears.

Like a lion sinking in the sea. Like a bird stuck on a gate. Like a cat who broke his legs on a jump. Like a girl that loves a incredible man, but she is so... Empty.

You are the one, I hope I don't lose you.

I am sorry for eating myself alive.

I wish you were here.

I wish I can be better someday.

I want to be brave and smart like you.

Thanks God, you exist.

We found each other. We want to love and live, we want to build amazing things, we want to share and protect.

I can see your bad sides as much as you can see these demons inside my head.

They are sleeping, hush, hush... LET'S MAKE SOME LOUD NOISES! Hell yeah, they don't own us!

We are better.

That's our house. That's our lives. That's our love.

All the letters. All the meaning.

So calm, so amazing, so deeply encrypted on our souls and so, so real. I feel that I exist just to live these part of my life.

And all that other parts whose are about to come.

You have a one track mind like me. All the pieces that we found together, are the best parts of everything!

It's for you, too.

"All of my mouth was kissing him

Now into the air

I am missing him

Is this excessive texting a blessing?

Two music nerds obssessing...

He reminds me of the love in me

(...)

Falling in love

To a song..."

(some Bjork's song - I forgot the title - that one remind me you too).

And if we just born to be together?

Is it a childish wish?

And if we are destinated to spend our lifes loving each other and living that amazing life that we planned together?

I know everything so so right.

Can I hold my heart so far away from yours until July?

I dunno.

It's getting so explosive...

Can I hold you for life?

R,

I just want to hug you and kiss all your beautiful male face.

Watch the sun going to bed, together.

Get high again, feel your skin.

Hug you in your bed.

Hug your back in the kitchen, suddenly and unsuspicious.

Hug you while I walk by your side.

Hug as much as I can.

I want to kiss your hands, each finger. Want to kiss your eyes and watch your face go red.

I really need to start to live these things with you, skin to skin instead spending all my time daydreaming a lot.

I keep seeing your soul.

Please, keep being exactly who you are.

Love.

X and O

I

L

O

V

E

Y

O

U

So fucking much.

Oh, hey.

I know it's you.

You probably knows that this letters bellow are about you.

Have a sit.

It's important.

I am not shy anymore. (Who knows?)

You didn't take long to arrive in my life. Usually your kind of human (the most fucking aweasome kind of human) takes longer to show up (and stay) after a love-tragedy in someone's life.

I think it was like... As if Something were waiting for a breach to put you in my way and make me find all the brilliant things that were lost. But the destiny is ironic, there are miles that separate us, but even so, I never was so sure and so happy to put my heart into someone. Thank you for making me love to live for the first time.

Sleep in my chest, man. It was a long long trip.

I am safe now.

I hope you feel those stars in your eyes too.